Is it a Neurodivergent Trait or a Trauma Pattern? (and does this matter in EP?)

“Is it trauma or is it who I was created to be?”

I’ve been exploring this topic for myself for a while. It was a big Ah-ha to find Elaine Arron's work on the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). It made a huge difference in my life at that time - about 8 years ago. 

This along with discovering the nervous system and polyvagal theory was wonderfully empowering....dots connecting...clarity struck me.....a deep self-understanding and acceptance and curiosity propelled me. 

I have been exploring that question for a few years now – “is it trauma or is it how I was created to be? Is it an innate neurological wiring that is natural and not a disordered nervous system due to trauma or neglect in early childhood?

(the short answer*)

I can't cite the science but I've read that one of the characteristics of neurodivergence is a lot more neuronal activity than non-neurodivergent folks. For example - how some people have way more taste buds on their tongues than most people and therefore have a wider experience of tastes. This is a way their body came into the world and not something that developed due to trauma.

Then I found a more fine-tuned fit for my inner experience is ‘Sensory Processing Sensitivity’ (SPS). This is not ‘Sensory Processing Disorder’ – a neurological disorder which… “causes sensory information to get “mixed up” in the brain resulting in responses that are inappropriate in the context in which one finds oneself”. (from this article: https://hsperson.com/faq/spd-vs-sps/)

My big ah ha was realising that my 'first language' is sensory not cognitive.

I experience a huge amount through my kinesthetic-proprioceptive- and all senses, BEFORE thinking. It takes a lot for me to translate what I perceive and know from my direct experience into words. This was a relief to recognize. Shifted from 'something is wrong with me' to 'I have a different way of processing and relating than most people'. For me it is constant - there is a huge amount of information in my awareness to feel and integrate all the time. Hence, I want to go at a slower pace. My nervous system gets stressed trying to keep up with the normal pace. I need more solo time to rest and integrate. I enjoy activities with others where we are doing less talking and more Being, moving, playing, creating, etc….

Here's an example of how I’ve come to distinguish my natural neurological wiring distinct from a nervous system dysregulation pattern. I move a lot. My body loves to move in all kinds of ways. The old pattern was to make myself sit still when with people, at work, in social settings, etc…..and this cut me off from my inner access-knowing and processing.

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For a while I had thought my ‘need’ to move was a nervous system fight/flight response. I’d do all kinds of resourcing techniques to get my body to calm down but it was a false calm, and more of a freeze. I started to notice when my actual experience, was NOT being triggered in the F/F – Instead it was how my sensing and ‘knowing’ and ‘thinking’ was/is through my movement. It’s through my kinesthetic-proprioception (movement) and spatial sensing, that my awareness lives and my mind-thinking is then linked to. If I stop moving (freeze to be still and appropriate in company of others) then I get cut off from my natural inner ‘knowing’…..then I also can’t think cognitively very well either. (can’t find words).

Now that I can sense what is happening in my nervous system, I can recognise when I’m triggered into the F/F/F/F activations.
I can sense the difference between NS dysregulation and my SPS mode.
This is hugely empowering.

I looked back over my life, my relationships, and had the stunning realisation that a lot of the people that I've feel most akin with and most comfortable with were what is now called neurodivergent. Often the people who are not very verbal, are highly creative, and generally didn't fit in with society. I'm lucky I found dance around age 18. That was a huge portal opening into a world within my body and in connecting with others who also love to dance and move and explore creativity through the body. So, my natural SPS trait had a 'home' to come out and flourish within a community (relational field). 

I have not been officially diagnosed with a neurodivergent trait but feel pretty sure - through self-observation, and research and chats with other neurodivergent folks - that I have innate otherly type of wiring. I say ‘innate’ because for a while I thought my ‘traits’ were just unresolved trauma patterns - and therefore needed to be 'healed' or fixed. AKA gotten rid of. I distinguish 'innate’ (born-with and natural), from disorder or broken neurology. At the same time, I definitely have disrupted development and DT (developmental trauma). 

So the mix of these two is very confusing.

The last 4 years - doing somatic work, therapy, dance, healing relational trauma, post trauma growth etc - I've come to realise it doesn't matter to me which it is....innate or trauma shaped.

I work on the trauma healing process and as that heals the innate traits shine through. If it's innate then it will be here no matter what I do.

Whatever is trauma-based transforms and reveals what is innate. I no longer feel a need to label it or get a conventional diagnosis to determine or prove I have neurodivergent traits. Although for communication purposes I do use labels at times, such as in this article, when I want to express, explore or share with others.

A few years ago, when I was in the beginning of this awakening process, I was describing to another friend with neurodivergent traits how I experience my phenomena....I said “it feels like my real self is non-verbal, my awareness is first oriented in the sensory, energetic realm of presence. My natural pace is slower and I need more time to be with what is experienced.

Everyone else seems to be able to go much faster than me. And it's hard to relate to most people where words dominate and the pace is faster. I try hard to keep up and I've learned how to get into the verbal realm and I do it well but it costs a lot”. (e.g. I've been working on this article for several years!!!

 HAVE YOU GOT THE ULTIMATE TRAUMA THERAPY CHECKLIST YET??--

Regarding my 'waking up' to this - previously I didn't know that most others don't experience the volume of sensory stuff that I do - I just thought there was something wrong with me - my friend said "It's your super-power". A huge turn around occurred here. To have someone hear me and understand and give me a different perspective.

From "something is wrong with me" to " this is my natural gift". And another shift has been - It's not all trauma - yes, there is trauma in my system, but you can't process and heal your way out of a natural innate trait or wiring. It also makes sense to me now why I became bulimic and later used alcohol.....it was to cope with this huge amount of sensory stimuli that didn't fit anywhere, in addition to the stored trauma yet to be processed. Thankfully I found good help along my healing (whole-ing) journey, through somatic processing as we do with EP, through creativity, wise friends, nature, good food, and some other healing modalities.

I’m sharing this because I have heard others grapple with this question; "is it trauma or was I born with innately different neurological wiring?" It’s also worth considering as we work with clients using EP who also identify as neurodivergent, or who aren’t sure. To bring more awareness to this topic. For me it is an open field I am exploring and don’t have fixed beliefs about. I’m curious what others have to share on this topic.

*The short answer (for me) is “It’s both”

Blog written by Angela Macleod - Embodied Processing Senior Practitioner

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