Click here to read part 1 of the blog.

6. Investigate your beliefs and identities – Shakespeare once said “There is nothing inherently right or wrong, but thinking makes it so”. It's not just what happens to us that creates pain, so much as the meaning we make of it. It is our perspective, attitude and meaning that we give to the inevitable pain and joys of life that most profoundly that shapes our experience. This means we have a lot more capacity to influence and be responsible for our experience than we have ever imagined.

One of the primary obstacles to reaching our goals, and the causes of human suffering is that we believe our thoughts to be true without ever questioning them. Secondly, when we identify with our mind and thoughts too much, we confuse them with reality and start to believe we are our thoughts. We end up living above our eyebrows, fused with our mind without any awareness of our bodies and senses. This leads us to become ungrounded and disconnected from our bodies and the here and now. Much of our distress is the result of either being lost in our thoughts and living in our heads, and not investigating our mind and how it works – our familiar, taken for granted (but often outdated or inaccurate) assumptions, thoughts, favourite self images, deeply held beliefs and expectations about ourselves, others and the world e.g. That I should be perfect, beautiful, strong, smart, successful. If I make a mistake I’m a failure.

When we believe the stories tell ourselves (about ourselves and the world) without awareness and investigation, we are much more likely to suffer from depression, anger, anxiety and symptoms of stress e.g. body tension, somatic complaints such as headaches. Begin to get into the habit of observing your thoughts regularly. If your thoughts patterns are observed as limiting, negative and unhelpful, perhaps you can practice not giving them attention and letting them go! If you find that you want to hold onto your thoughts and beliefs about yourself, reality, change and others be curious about what it does for you to hold onto these beliefs.

What do you get out believing the story your telling yourself? What is it secondary gain, and what is the risk if you let the story go? Secondly, see if you can start to identify and question your taken for granted beliefs about yourself, others and the world, or what your ‘inner critic’ tells you. When your triggered and feeling off balance, be curious what is your mind telling you? Then inquire 1) Am I 100% sure this belief is true? 2) How does it effect me when I believe it to be true 3) Is this belief/story or self-judgment helping or serving me 4) What would be different if I let this thought/story go? 5) Who would I be if I no longer believed this thought or story? 6) What do I want to believe that would be more self-compassionate, honest and empowering?

7. Know your patterns – “Between a stimulus and a response is a gap. And in that gap lies your power and your freedom” (Victor Frankle). Knowing our patterns means knowing how we typically think, relate and behave in unaware, over used, and automatic ways. Often these habitual patterns were once our best, most adaptive and intelligent attempts to be connected or cope with life's challenges given the resources and awareness we had at the time. 

Problems develop when these once , relational or behavioural solutions to life's challenges become fixed, out of date, automatic, reactive and without choice. For example, on the level of thinking, we may have habitual thought patterns (tendencies) to either worry, ruminate about the past, over plan, or predict the future (expecting rejection or danger), or self-criticize. At a behavioural or relational level we may have habitual patterns of pleasing, accommodating and appeasing; freezing- collapsing and becoming paralyzed; perfecting - over-achieving or over working; fighting - controlling, blaming aggressing against others or ourselves; fleeing - procrastinating, isolating, or withdrawing from others; or attaching – clinging to others in order to be rescued.

When we can get curious, know and understanding our habitual and conditioned patterns, how they developed, how they serve and cost us, we are in a much better position to notice them without being hijacked by them. We can then choose to let them go and make a fresher more conscious choice about where we want to put our attention, how we want to behave or respond to a situation. 

On a practice level, if you want to change a pattern this is what you can do.

Begin by observing the earliest warning signs when you are triggered into a typical cognitive, relational or behavioural pattern (e.g. binge drinking or comfort eating) as it is happening. Immediately pause, come into the here and now, ground yourself into your breath and feet on earth. Consciously slow down. Invite in your curiosity. Notice what was the trigger? Was it a thought, emotion, person or an event? Notice the impulse to go into the pattern (without acting on it) and become curious about how the pattern is trying to serve you? What is the need you are you trying to meet via engaging in the pattern e.g. safety, relaxation, protection, control, security, or confidence (just to name a few), and what feeling the pattern is helping you avoid sitting with? 

Be curious and take a moment to be aware of how the pattern costs you emotionally, physically, relationally now and in the future, especially as it is happening in the moment. Then mindfully name, witness and allow what thoughts/stories (interpretations of the event), emotions and body sensations that go with the pattern. Notice how they naturally change if you just watch them. See if you can notice the thoughts/stories e.g Im having the thought, that fuels the pattern (see investigating beliefs), and then allow and befriend any feelings or. sensations that also drive or get activated in the pattern (see befriending your emotions). The more you can slow down and observe the automatic sequence between the trigger and your thoughts, emergent feelings, body sensations and habitual behavioural impulses the more you have awareness and choice to intervene with a new mindset, way of paying attention, managing your emotions, regulating your sensations, taking action or communicating your needs. This is where our true freedom lies.

8. Experiment with the new – Experimenting is a way interrupting fixed patterns (fixed conditioned ways of acting, managing our experience, thinking, feeling etc) and trying something new experientially instead of just talking about something intellectually. Experiments lead to an expansion of choice, behaviours and possibility. Ideas don’t lead to change – practice does! Experiments involve creating new input via new ways of paying attention, focussing energy, imagining, visualizing, sensing, moving or acting. The idea is that new behaviour or experience leads to new outcomes, which in turn contradicts and updates our old self-concepts and core beliefs about self, others and the world. This then leads to new neural firing patterns and brain circuits which become new traits in our personality. Neuroscientists call this process of using our mind to change our brain, to change our mind - self directed neuro-plasticity. 

Recent neuroscience findings now know that part of change is consciously recognizing in the moment (which takes mindfulness) and then refraining from acting on old learnt patterns, and trying out new behaviours and ways of paying attention, or being with ourselves and others. This is LEARNING via DOING. Once you know your familiar patterns, have new resources and have connected with your intentions you are in a good position to disturb your homeostasis (in a manageable way!) and try something new!

HAVE YOU GOT THE ULTIMATE TRAUMA THERAPY CHECKLIST YET??--

Through trial and error, try out a new way of thinking, behaving and relating that will help you step out of your comfort zone and move in the direction of your deeper needs, values and intentions. e.g. What happens if you say to yourself “ I did the best I could”, or you take a deep breath and open your shoulders, if you say yes to an invitation instead of No, if you risk expressing your needs, boundaries and feelings? Experimenting with the new helps us become more flexible, choiceful and adaptive to the demands of the present and breaks us out of our old, out of date and conditioned ways of being. As they say in an Everything but the girl song, “We find out what we are made of by facing what were afraid of”. What risk can you take today that will help you move forward in your life and into your growth zone?

9. Appreciate your context – We do not live in a vacuum! To fully understand the meaning of our experience and behaviour it can help to understand the whole situation that we are or have been in and how it is impacting on us. We are highly inter-dependent beings that are constantly shaping and being shaped by the world conditions (political, environmental, social) around us, in ways that are often out of our awareness.

In Gestalt therapy, there is a saying that says - change doesn’t happen without a new support! What supports exist in your environment that you can reach out too and access that may help you cope better, become more resilient and feel less alone. When we see the context we swim in, we are also in a better position to see what is or was perhaps 'too much' or 'too little' in our environment now or in the past that has shaped our current struggles, beliefs or symptoms.

Seeing how our environment and history has impacted on us often helps us break out of a common tendency to shame and blame ourselves for our problems in ways that keep us mired in guilt or self-hatred, and opens up the possibility of self-compassion, self-forgiveness and healing. This perspective can support us to bring greater dignity, compassion and forgiveness towards our own and others limitations and humanity. Often our current symptoms (e.g anxiety or depression) are normal human effects from being in abnormal, unsupportive, chronically stressful or traumatic situations! In a more practical way, appreciating our context involves becoming aware of the people, events and conditions that trigger us into our emotional reactivity, beliefs, implicit memories and patterns. When we have this awareness, again then we have more choice in how to respond.

10. Discover your presence – Most of the time, we have a tendency to put all of our attention into our thoughts, feelings or perceptions, and then mistake our thoughts and beliefs for the facts, and for who we are (as Decartes said, "I think therefore I am!"). This becomes a case of mistaken identity! Discovering your spirit or presence means coming to realize that your true nature is much vaster, more spacious and open than any idea, thought or concept you have never had about yourself and who you are.

Thoughts are just pictures, words or sound bites floating in the space of your awareness. How can these constantly changing thoughts define the totality of who you are! It is your natural awareness that was, is and will always be here prior to any story about yourself and the world. This awareness is here before, during and after all your thoughts, feelings and perceptions come and go.

You don’t need to seek it, as its already here right now! Discovering your spirit means first finding out who you are not, and then discovering that who you really are at the core, is independent of thought all together. At the deepest levels you are the spacious awareness that knows (witnesses) your thoughts, feelings and perception, but are not defined by them. Why, because all these are impermanent phenomena that come and go.

The one thing that is always here is the simple fact of your awareness and being-ness. It’s like the sky behind the clouds. It is always there, even when there are heavy clouds. It is never affected by the clouds, and is not threatened by or attached to the clouds. Your awareness is like the sky. It is vast, open, accepting and free. Ask yourself “Am I aware”. How do you know? Where do you have to put your attention to know your aware? You don't have to put it anywhere, because its already naturally here! Its what's looking through your eyes, observing your thoughts and hearing through your ears! 

To cultivate this level of awareness requires regularly practicing bringing your attention into the here and now e.g. via your senses. Through this regular practice we can begin to experience the deeper presence of natural awareness. Why does cultivating this level of presence matter? Because this awareness is naturally accepting, open, peaceful, curious and compassionate. It is the deepest source of happiness and peace that is not hitched to an idea of a better future to feel complete, or the circumstances of our environment to feel OK.

Peace & Blessing,
Noel Haarburger - Embodied Processing Trainer.

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